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Title: Wardrobe Malfunction
Author: slybrarian
Pairings: Lorne/Sheppard, Lorne/Mitchell, Mitchell/Sheppard UST
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,040
Series: Strange Aeon (AU)
Notes: Written for non_mcsmooch.

Summary: In which Lorne discovers that Sheppard and Mitchell have had some difficulties while exploring the mainland.



The third scouting mission to the mainland does not, in fact, end in disaster. This is something of a relief, as it proves that not everything that occurs in and around Atlantis is guaranteed to go completely to shit. On the other hand, the preliminary report from the returning team indicates that there has been some kind of, "cough, snicker, complication". Evan does not like "complications". They usually result in situations where Evan is left cleaning up a mess or figuring out how to hide a body.

As it turns out, this is one of those rare complications that is not only harmless, but rather amusing.

When the survey team comes tromping out of their jumpers, the marines, scientists, and Athosians are looking vaguely amused. Evan immediately spots that there's something wrong: the cuffs of Ford's jacket are several inches too short and there's a hole in Mehra's pants near the left thigh. They all cluster up in the center of the bay, looking back at the jumpers expectantly.

"Get moving!" Mitchell shouts from inside one. "Hit the showers or head for medical, and make sure they get those samples!"

"You heard him," Sheppard added from the second jumper. "Scram!"

The group heads for the door, talking amongst themselves and nodding politely to Evan as they pass. Teyla gives him one of those looks, meaning something along the lines of, "I tolerate you because I am professional and for the sake of our mutual friend, but in case you're wondering I could kick your ass." Evan doesn't doubt it for a second, which is just one of many reasons why he a wears a zat everywhere and keeps a compact Goa'uld assassination laser in his boot.

After the group has been gone for a minute or so Mitchell calls out, "Anyone there?"

Evan stays silent, of course, but John ruins things by saying, "Hold on, let me check the sensors." After a pause, he shout, "Okay, who's out there?"

"Nobody," Evan answers.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" Mitchell asks.

"Not really, no."

"I don't suppose you'd leave if I ordered you to."

"Nope."

"God, I hate you two," Mitchell says. "Sheppard, you're rubbing off on him."

"Only in good ways," John retorts cheerfully.

The two of them emerged from their jumpers and it immediately became clear why they were reluctant to come out with anyone around. Neither of them were wearing a shirt or pants. In fact, Mitchell's boxer-briefs were missing most of one leg and John's boxers were tattered and didn't do much to protect his modesty. Their boots are still in one piece, but it doesn't look like their socks are. There's also damps spots here and there on their bodies.

"I don't know what you're being so shy for. It's not like I haven't seen it all before," Evan says with a broad smirk. Well, that isn't entirely true, and he takes a few moments to give Mitchell a good look over. What can he say? The man's hot.

Mitchell crosses his arms and glares at him. "You know, most people don't ogle their male CO quite so blatantly."

"Most COs don't turn up mostly naked like this. Besides, Sheppard doesn't mind," Evan replied. "What happened to your uniforms?"

"Funny thing," John says. "There's these lizard things on the mainland that spit something that dissolves natural fibers when they get startled."

"By spit," Mitchell adds, "he means projectile vomits."

"Ah," Evan says. "You do realize that you've only got about four field uniforms each, right? If you keep this up, you're going to be going on missions in sweatpants or Athosian hand-me-downs before too long." It's a good thing they packed plenty of socks and underwear. Then Evan takes another good look at Mitchell, and decides that maybe Mitchell in leather wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing.

"You know," John says, "if you keep looking at him like that, I might mind after all."

"I see you naked all the time," Evan points out, but he decides to give John a bit more attention anyways. He steps close to John and pulls him into a kiss. John is startled for a moment but gets with the game quick, tugging Evan close against him while Evan cups John's ass through the practically non-existent fabric of his boxers.

"Ahem," Mitchell says after a few seconds. "I am right here, you know."

"Sorry," John says, not sounding sorry at all. "We didn't want to make you feel left out or something."

"No, we wouldn't," Evan agrees. He pivots, takes two steps, and kisses Mitchell square on the lips. It's sloppy, forceful, and there's the slightest hint of tongue. It also lasts only a few seconds, because just as Mitchell seems to be reacting he realizes what he's doing and jerks back so fast that he nearly falls on his ass.

"Oh, please," Mitchell says once he's recovered his bearings. "I don't feel left out, I just don't want to deal with the drama that would result if someone walked in."

Mitchell's trying to pass it all off as a joke and he does sound amused, but beneath the surface there's hints of disgruntled jealousy. Also, if the way the bulge in his briefs seems to be a bit larger is anything to go by, he's a little bit interested, too. One of these days Evan's probably going to have to do something about the way Mitchell looks at John, but he figures things might work themselves out given time, so for now he lets it go.

"You two should probably go get cleaned up and head for the infirmary," Evan says. "It wouldn't be good if it turns out that the lizard vomit also removes body hair or something like... what the hell?"

He breaks off as he notices that the front of his t-shirt seems to be slowly dissolving. He looks at John and Mitchell suspiciously, noting that John's chest seems slightly less damp than it was a minute earlier.

"God damn it," Evan says.

"Whoops?" John replies with a cheeky grin.

"I'm going to kill you." With that, Evan stalks off toward the officers' locker room, with the other two following along and laughing behind him.

Comments

( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
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esteefee
Jan. 12th, 2010 06:43 am (UTC)
Hahaha. I love John using the LSD to protect the tatters of their *cough* dignity. And I know just how things might "work out" given time. \ot3/
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:09 pm (UTC)
Mmmm, OT3 might be where this ends up eventually. (Or Cam's old crush might die down, or Lorne might, ah, 'deal' with the situation.)
mulder200
Jan. 12th, 2010 07:03 am (UTC)
LOL!

Well, really Evan should have known better with John.
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
He really should have, yes.
(Deleted comment)
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:11 pm (UTC)
*grin*
(Deleted comment)
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
No, and Lorne definitely isn't most people. He has no shame, for one thing.
ariadne83
Jan. 12th, 2010 12:02 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha excellent.

(Also, I suspect Lorne's revenge will be epic)
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:14 pm (UTC)
It will be epic, and possibly involve the undead.
jujuberry136
Jan. 12th, 2010 12:15 pm (UTC)
Clothes melting lizard spit/vomit. Now one of my favorite plot devices to get John or Cam unwillingly naked.

Very funny :D
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:15 pm (UTC)
Not only does it get them unwillingly naked, as a bonus it destroys their uniforms and may eventually force them into more appropriate clothes.
eruminator
Jan. 12th, 2010 12:45 pm (UTC)
*GLEEGGLES*

TOTALLY AWESOME! \o/ ALSO, NAKED!CAM IZ NAKEDE! AGAIN! AND STILL WEARS BOXERBRIEFS! ERUMINATOR WILL SLEEP HAPPY TONIGHT!
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:20 pm (UTC)
You can't have Cam without the boxer-briefs! Unless he's completely naked, but if he was he probably would have stolen someone's pants, defeating the purpose. Also, he'll need he underwear when he has to resort to wearing leather around.
(no subject) - eruminator - Jan. 13th, 2010 11:53 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - slybrarian - Jan. 13th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - eruminator - Jan. 14th, 2010 10:14 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - slybrarian - Jan. 14th, 2010 07:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - eruminator - Jan. 15th, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
rubygirl29
Jan. 12th, 2010 02:11 pm (UTC)
LOL! Love it. I have a particular weakness for snarky Lorne and hot Cam. A good laugh is always appreciated!
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
beanpot
Jan. 12th, 2010 02:49 pm (UTC)
I really love your Lorne.
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks!
antares04a
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:26 pm (UTC)
"There's these lizard things on the mainland that spit something that dissolves natural fibers when they get startled."
That's the perfect explanation to write in the request for new uniforms to the SGC. *lol*

Nice triange between the three of them!
slybrarian
Jan. 12th, 2010 03:30 pm (UTC)
Ah, but in this particular AU, they're still cut off from the SGC and are only about a month into the expedition. Which means no new uniforms, which means (eventually) Cam will clearly need to start wearing leather. It makes sense!

Lorne thinks its a nice triangle too, if he can get Mitchell to get over his jealousy and trouble sharing.
cimmerdeux
Jan. 12th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
Three good looking men and some clothes dissolving lizard spit - it's a date! lol

Also, loved the 'look' that passed between Lorne and Teyla; one of these days .....
slybrarian
Jan. 13th, 2010 12:29 am (UTC)
It's close enough to a date for government purposes.
calcitrix
Jan. 12th, 2010 05:43 pm (UTC)
Awesome! Yay for lizard spit! (wow, you don't get to type that every day)
slybrarian
Jan. 13th, 2010 12:35 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's not really the most common phrase in the world.
vipersweb
Jan. 12th, 2010 08:48 pm (UTC)
*snicker* I'd feel bad for Evan but this is clearly his fault. Like the hints of stuff to come.
slybrarian
Jan. 13th, 2010 12:47 am (UTC)
He really should be more careful about making sure the guys he kiss don't have patches of lizard vomit.
goddess47
Jan. 13th, 2010 12:49 am (UTC)
LOL.... of course it's John and Cam getting 'spit' upon!

Fun!
slybrarian
Jan. 13th, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
You know they did something to aggravate those poor lizards.
kazbaby
Jan. 14th, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)
*happy sigh* Also argument for Cam in leather... *points to icon*
slybrarian
Jan. 14th, 2010 04:40 am (UTC)
Why hello there, Crichton. *plots how to permanently eliminate Cam's personal clothing allotment*
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( 39 comments — Leave a comment )